Insight Doesn’t End Patterns

There’s something you do again and again that you wish you didn’t. You’re not alone in this. For most people, the story ends here.

But some, some reach a point where they decide that they don’t want to repeat that pattern any longer.

And when they’ve arrived at that place it means that something in them has shifted. They’ve reached a moment where they decide that this is enough. This should stop.

So they try to stop.

Some people can stop and then that’s it. Again, the end.

why insight doesn’t change behaviour

But for most, the pattern keeps happening. They realise that whatever plan they hatch, however hard they try to just not do the thing, they can’t stop.

This is when they seek out the work. To understand why they keep doing the thing despite trying very hard not to.

Facing the work takes courage. And so does getting to the why. Many never allow themselves to go all the way to understanding their pattern.

But you have.

You throw your all at the situation: You talk. You analyse and dissect your pattern until you really get it. This can go on for years.

And you manage it. This helps a lot to keep the pattern at bay. You do yoga, detox. You stack micro habits into routines. You wake up at the crack of dawn, journal, meditate, surrender. You go on long walks, you affirm, express, emote, you breathe better, you feel it in your body. You allow the feeling.

These are all effective methods of quietening the thing and they give you a lot of wisdom, calm and peace.

Yet, the thing? It remains. It comes back. Pops up again.

Even though you regulate your system. Even though you have an idea why you do the thing. You still can’t stop. There’s this situation, things happening in a specific way that trigger a reaction in you. Without fail.

This trigger is your cue to do the thing. Afterwards, you’re angry with yourself. You fell for it again.

So now you know why you do this and you can now stop. the. thing.

The end. Right.

Nope

Shouldn’t shining a light on the pattern have dissolved it? Shouldn’t all the regulating practices in the world keep it in check?

This is where hopelessness sets in.

Understanding hasn’t brought you the resolution you were seeking. Instead, the thing sits squarely in your mind. This is why insight doesn’t change behaviour, even when your understanding is accurate and your self-awareness is high.

Because understanding happens at a different level than where the pattern was learned.

You can see the mechanism clearly and still be inside it.

What lingers is a gap you keep trying to fill.
 When a trigger arrives, you activate your pattern.

You hide. You still can’t be visible out of fear that you may be rejected.
 You seek approval. You know that when your family disapproves of something you feel called to argue and to make them see that you’re right.
 You can’t live without proving yourself. You keep choosing bad boyfriends in the hope that you can change this one.
 You inhale admiration, attention, approval, applause, love, food, substances, recognition, success, money, fame.
You consume. You shop too much.

You never can quite fill this need. Nothing’s ever enough. It does not stay filled and your life does not quite settle. You’re always chasing.

You know the frameworks, you know your attachment style. You know that there’s a part in you that seeks approval. You remember roughly what went on to make you so.

You might even be able to pinpoint when you’re about to react to a trigger. There’s a knife edge decision moment and you give in. Knowing you’ll come away feeling worse but the urge is too strong.

The urge doesn’t pass. It resolves itself through your familiar pattern:

So you avoid. Go into your head. Withdraw, procrastinate, ghost. Numb out, overeat, scroll, sleep.

Or you overcompensate. Overwork, over-give, over-perform, over explain. You fawn, seek approval, people-please. You chase validation, success, admiration, intimacy.

You might argue, defend, try to prove, try to control. You burst, you follow your impulse.

Whatever your pattern.

You fell for it and curse the reason why you are like that.

You feel bad.

Then…then you wait.

How long?

How long can you stay off your chosen drug. Stay away from the thing you do.

If your answer is “months” you’re probably containing it just enough to not suffer and you probably wouldn’t be reading this.

What if it escalates? If it reappears after weeks…that’s another thing. Or it comes back after days, or you’re back to it the next morning?

And nothing about knowing the pattern has changed what happens.